
by Anna Scetinina, MACP, RP, author of A Workbook for Kids Who Worry
This article was originally published on www.newharbinger.com on January 18, 2025 and is reposted here with permission.
When a child faces a difficult task that triggers anxiety or other unpleasant feelings, such as meeting new people, speaking in front of a group, or facing an academic challenge, avoidance may seem like a solution. However, avoidance often leads to missing out on important things and fosters a belief in a child that they cannot do things that seem hard. When avoidance becomes a habitual response, restricting the child’s life and taking away their confidence, it is essential to know how to support a child effectively.
Let’s consider an example. Suppose your child feels very anxious about presenting in class. They become upset at having to do it and try to avoid it at all costs. They might even ask you to speak to the teacher about an accommodation, such as letting them skip presenting. If your child turns away from what they fear, they will become increasingly reluctant to tackle similar tasks; it becomes an avoidance cycle. However, in life, they will encounter uncomfortable situations every day. So, what can you do as a parent to help your child deal with such challenges?
Approach the situation with:
Empathy and Compassion
Empathy and compassion are powerful tools in your parenting toolbox. Acknowledge your child is struggling and try to understand what is happening before moving to any solution. Listen to them attentively and show them that you understand their feelings: “I hear that presenting in front of the class makes you very anxious. Your heart is racing, and your voice is trembling. You are afraid of making a mistake and being laughed at by your classmates. If I felt this way, I would also want to avoid presenting!” Tell them that it is normal to want to avoid things that bring painful feelings and that other kids may sometimes feel the same way.
Once you’ve compassionately acknowledged the difficulty, explore with your child if doing what they avoid is important by shining some light on their:
Values
It is not easy for the child to see the bigger picture, but you can help them connect the dots and link their actions to what is important to them in life. Is being able to present in front of other kids important? Why? What would happen if they could do it more often and it got easier? What will they get? A pleasant feeling? Praise? A good grade? Develop a quality that matters? All of it?
Help the child connect with their values to find motivation for doing the uncomfortable thing, and work on setting:
A Small Goal
Ask your child how you can support them in doing what they need to do, and decide on the smallest step they would be willing to take. Tell them you know it is hard for them and believe they are strong and can do it. With the example above, they can rehearse a presentation in front of you a couple of times, or do a brief presentation about something they love in front of family or friends. Support the child in any step they are willing to take, moving toward the difficult thing and reducing their avoidance.
To support the brave action, use:
Rewards
Children’s biggest reward comes from their parents’ attention—notice and praise their effective choices and actions, highlighting the qualities the child demonstrates. For example, you might say, “You must feel so proud that you were scared but still acted bravely and presented!” In addition to praise, experiential rewards would strengthen the bond between you and your child and motivate them further. Activities like letting the child choose a game to play with family, taking them out for ice cream, or going to a movie together are excellent ways to celebrate their achievements. You can also create a list of small, tangible rewards—and your child can get something from that list when they reach their goal.
To maintain your child’s progress and help them boost their confidence in doing hard things, encourage them to view:
Challenges as Opportunities
Encourage the child to have moments of growth daily. Every morning, ask them, “What hard thing can you do today?” Each brave baby step will help them build resilience, increase confidence, and expand their comfort zone. By supporting your child in facing challenges instead of turning away from them, you’re helping them unlock their full potential and have a more fulfilling and meaningful life.
By Anna Scetinina, author of A Workbook for Kids Who Worry
Originally published on www.newharbinger.com on January 18, 2025